I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
