be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've blown a few things in my day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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