I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
