alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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