WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
