this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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