fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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