rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
