I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
