What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
