My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and she was petting her beer can
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
