my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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