My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
