the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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