my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
