I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
