I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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