So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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