My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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