every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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