win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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