I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
