Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
