I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
