Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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