There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
