The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
