I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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