I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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