dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
