god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If that was your dad, he is hot
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
