The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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