It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
