Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
