My friends, they love my intelligence
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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