I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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