ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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