sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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