he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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