I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
