I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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