On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
