Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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