He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
