You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
