The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
