3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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