Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
