i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You have to summon your inner elephant
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
