I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
