after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
