I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
