she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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