Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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